Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you?

Here’s the written version of my story from last night. I told it at the Hello Giggles Presents: Our Year Anniversary show at UCBTLA. Thanks again to Molls and Sophia for having me. 

The year was 2003. 50 Cent’s IN DA CLUB was burnin up the Billboard charts. I was an 18 yr old virgin with a belly button ring my parents didn’t know about. I wasn’t a girl, but also not yet a woman. 

The most popular guy in school who I’m going to call from here on out STEVE started paying attention to me. At this point in my life nothing sexual had ever happened to me because I was a LATE ASS bloomer to the core, and I hadn’t even made eye contact with any males other than family members. 

So Steve and I started hanging out. We’d go to Sonic, we’d chat on AIM all night, he asked me to the formal. Soon enough we would hang out every day after school, unsupervised at his parents house, in his room with the door locked.

It became pretty clear that he wanted some of that cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake. 

We kissed for my first time. I had no idea what I was doing and I’m sure I was  a terrible mess,  but I tried really hard to fake it. He had no idea the extent of my virginity, or at least I thought I was hiding it well at the time. 

So we made out, which eventually led to lying down and making out. I laid there like a stiff dead clam, never touching him or moving at all out of fear. This went on for a long time before we both came to the conclusion that I wasn’t gonna give it up. I had waited this long, and although I was curious I knew even then at that young age that this was something I wanted to do with someone special, sometime far in the future, not in high school, certainly not with Steve and not while Oprah was on with his parents in the other room.

We went out on Valentine’s day to a lackluster meal at On The Border. Looking back it was super obvious he didn’t want to be there, but I was clueless. LIke they said on GIRLS last week, virgins get attached. I bought a new Express skirt and thought I looked fly, but he didn’t care. He dropped me off at my car afterwards and basically just shut the car door on me. Because I was super dumb I didn’t even think anything strange of it. 

That night I got SICK. The great flu of 2003 hit me hard. I was so sick I missed a week of school which for overachiever goody two-shoes me was like a lifetime. I was so ready to go back and see Steve again.

I remember finally being well again and walking into school and seeing him, and how excited I was. I walked straight over to him with a smile on my face, and he TOTALLY IGNORED ME. Like, looked straight past me as if I wasn’t there like I was an American Horror Story ghost that he couldn’t see. He didn’t even give me the respect of breaking up with me or explaining himself. He just ignored me and he did it in front of everyone. 

Then I quickly found out he told the whole school I was a total prude. He laughed about how obviously inexperienced I was to his friends. Apparently he was just wanting to CRUEL INTENTIONS me, aka hook up with the virgin student body president, and once he realized I wasn’t down with that he moved on.

I was completely crushed. I was devastated. I was dead. I was being judged by my peers for having morals? For being selective? I thought the skanky girls were the ones people talked about, not the ones that had self respect. I had never felt so worse about myself or more embarrassed just for being a virgin that stood her ground. I remember feeling so ashamed, but then confused by the shame, then just feeling sick from the combination. I wanted out of my life.

Then all that shame and confusion turned to anger and bitterness. SO WHAT that I didn’t wanna have sex? So what I was waiting til I was emotionally ready to do it? So what that I played the Sims after school every day for 2 years while every other girl at my school was figuring out getting felt up? 

I was so proud of my good reputation, then instantly from gossip my good one became a bad one. 

And to make matters worse Steve immedietely started hanging out with a sophomore that dressed like a Bratz doll. All my friends tried to make me feel better, saying things like “Girl he aint no good for you, he’s only with her cause that’s all he wants from her. He’ll dump her as soon as high school’s over.”

I felt like the only virgin left. All my friends were dropping like flies. By graduation it was me and the girl with cerebral paulsy. 

I didn’t care about Bratz Doll or her reputation or whatever the truth was. All I knew was it felt terrible. I would cry in my Chrysler Sebring and listen to You Oughta Know on Jagged Little Pill over and over. “Would she Go Down on You in a Theatre”, YES SHE WOULD! I would sob. I would even listen to the bonus track over and over. Would you forgive me love? If I danced in your shower?

If you have no idea what I’m talking about you need to get Jagged Little Pill asap and check it out. It will change your life.

Anyway, this was 9 years ago, so for all parties involved I hope they don’t ever see this cause who cares now. And if Steve and Bratz doll DO somehow see this, I’m sorry to share this if it puts yall in a bad light. This is through the filter of an 18 year old confused and bitter virgin, so sorry yall. But hey, we’ve all moved on and it totally doesn’t matter at all.

But perhaps the funniest and best part of this whole story is that Steve didn’t dump the sophomore after we graduated. 

THEY’RE STILL TOGETHER. 

Not only are they together, they’re MARRIED. They’ve been together THIS WHOLE TIME!

They’re happy and super in love. All I gotta say to that is they owe me big time. If I had given him this piece he might not have ever gotten with his WIFE. So you’re welcome DUDE. 

I’m NOT BITTER!